i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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