I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize