My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
