i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
