I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
