And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
