True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
