Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
MIDGETS
????
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
