Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
