i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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