sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
