Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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