dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Sorry about my life...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
