I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
