I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
not ubering you a puppy
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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