u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
