Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
