you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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