Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
