her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
