and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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