Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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