Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
