you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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