I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
