Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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