PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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