I could make wine with my vomit
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
