Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
