Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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