Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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