I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
