There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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