you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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