i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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