I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
