I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
