according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
