Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
