I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
