It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
