if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
