whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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