bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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