Cold hands, warm shart.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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