So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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