Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just had sex on a roof
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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