They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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