If that was your dad, he is hot
I faked an abortion last night.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
