My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
