Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
