when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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