My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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