The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
