maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
