shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize