Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
