I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
