Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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