so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
